


the desert of my mind

by pancakedispatcher



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Character Study, Feelings, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, Jim as he dies, Kirk needs a hug, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, No Smut, So much angst, Star Trek: Into Darkness, Unhappy Ending, What Have I Done, Why Did I Write This?, they don't get together because he dies im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-04 09:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10273955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pancakedispatcher/pseuds/pancakedispatcher
Summary: He’d always known he was made of stardust, had always been fascinated by it, but now his atoms were exploding stars and black holes and planets collapsing from the inside out, his body a mass of contradictions and pain and death of galactic proportions, and he doesn’t know how to stop it, doesn’t know how to cope.-----Or: Jim's thoughts as he dies (I'm sorry)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what possessed me to write this but here we are. Sorry in advance because this is really not a happy fic, so, uhm, yeah. Oops. As always this is un-beta’d and probably riddled with typos (please comment if you find any!).
> 
> Warnings for referenced past child abuse (like, once, and not explicitly, but yeah) and major character death. 
> 
> Further warnings for ridiculously long sentences and overuse of commas.

It hurts. God, does it hurt. 

He’d known it would going in - known that he wouldn’t survive it. He thought he could take it; he knew pain, had done all his life, so he thought he was prepared for it. Thought it would be okay.

But this wasn’t pain like breaking a leg after jumping from the barn roof, or pain like a large hand struck on his small face as a child, or pain like a phaser blast to his side in the midst of a fight. This was ice in his bones and magma in his veins, this was his flesh turning to ash, this was his cells drowning in acid and cracking apart. 

He’d always known he was made of stardust, had always been fascinated by it, but now his atoms were exploding stars and black holes and planets collapsing from the inside out, his body a mass of contradictions and pain and death of galactic proportions, and he doesn’t know how to stop it, doesn’t know how to cope. 

He is dying and he is not okay with it, not like he thought he’d be. He knew he was saving the crew and he was glad, so astronomically glad that they’d survive in his place, but he always thought he’d die without regrets. He lived by the motto of regretting what he had done rather than what he hadn’t, but now he is dying and he realises that’s a load of bullshit, that he is a load of bullshit, because he hasn’t done that, not really. 

Jim Kirk was a coward and now he was dying and he regretted not doing so many things. 

He hates to be cliché, even in death, but of course he doesn’t get what he wants, and so his biggest regret in life is not telling the person he loves how he feels. 

He’s stupid, he knows he’s stupid, and now that he’s granted the perspective on life that death can only give he can’t think of one good reason why he didn’t tell him, didn’t tell Bones, and he feels so _stupid_ but it’s too late now. Too late to do anything. 

_‘He might not feel the same way’_ feels like a shockingly poor excuse now that he’s never going to see the man again. 

He knows it’s because deep down, he’s always known that Bones is too good for him. He’s shockingly aware of how much he needs the doctor, knows that Bones is what, is _who_ he needs. But Jim has spent his whole life treading water in a desperate bid to keep his head above the icy currents, and he doesn’t know how to stop, doesn’t know how to let himself float and be carried along by the waves, doesn’t know how to open himself up to the possibility of salvation if it means risking drowning, too. He was a drowning man and he couldn't bring himself to grab a life jacket. 

He knows that he could see him one more time. He’s making his way to the chamber door now, so that his body - god, his _dead body_ \- can be retrieved easily. He could do it; he could ask Scotty to comm Bones and he could see him one last time, could tell him, could do _something_ right with his life before it ends. 

But he won’t. 

Jim isn’t sure that he could handle seeing Bones whilst he died - he can picture his expression now, knows that Bones would be so upset, and Jim is strong in regards to many things but seeing Bones upset is not one of them.

He knows he’s being selfish. Knows what it would be like for him if Bones died and he never got to say goodbye. Knows that he’ll end up in a body bag in Bones’ sick-bay, and what that will do to the doctor. 

Despite all that, the idea of dying alone is terrifying. He’s always assumed he would, and it had never bothered him until now, now that he has friends and a self-made family and a ship and a life worth living. He’d spent the majority of his life alone, and he doesn’t want to die that way, too. 

So he gets Scotty to comm Spock. 

He knows the engineer thinks he’s crazy for wanting the vulcan crewmate rather than his best friend, but Jim is dying, dammit, and he’s counting on Spock to be emotionless and calm as ever. 

And he’s so thankful for Spock being there, he is, but he can’t help but notice that his eyes and hair are too dark, skin too pale, ears too pointy to be the man he really wishes was next to him as he died. 

Spock is crying and that isn’t right, isn’t what Jim wants or needs, but he’s okay with it because it’s better than seeing Bones doing the same thing. 

It’s fitting, Jim thinks, that he should die in the core of the ship that gave him life.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed (is enjoyed the right word? Does anyone enjoy reading about Jim dying??) it! :) Maybe some day in the future I'll write a second piece where Bones saves Jim and they get together and everything is fine. 
> 
> I only ever write in the past tense so this was really weird and I'm sure I probably messed up like a dozen times, so sorry! Please comment if you find any errors or if something doesn't make sense - English is my second language so chances are I made a mistake. 
> 
> Fun fact: I wrote he/he's a grand total of 80 times, which is like 10% of the entire work. Yikes! 
> 
> Tusen takk!!


End file.
